She Won't Go! Now What? | The Move to Assisted Living

Your shriek can be heard down the street: your mom just fell.

You rush over to her, trying to catch your breath. That’s when it hits you: The moment you have been so scared of has finally arrived.

Mom is no longer safe to live by herself.

When your father passed away many years ago, you invited Mom to live with you, while you had the time to help her, but she refused. She was strong and independent and she was going to make it on her own. Of course, you worried all the time if she would be ok, and you frequently popped in just to be sure. The journey of widowhood had its twists and turns, yet somehow Mom was able to keep up and weather all the storms. She has been so strong and sturdy through it all. But with the passage of time, her vibrance for life has tarnished a bit. Her exercising and movement have taken a backseat to her increasing number of doctor appointments and all the medication side-effects. And you have noticed lately that she has been unstable in getting around the house.

Being a proactive type of person, you already purchased medical equipment for the day she would need a bit of help: the walker, the bed rail, the extras for bathroom safety. You thought of everything.

Yet, here she is on the floor. And she can’t move. So, the ambulance arrives and you follow them to the hospital. Turns out, Mom has a severely crushed hip and will need major surgery. Her bones are brittle, due to osteoporosis, and her forearm is broken as well. This won’t be a speedy recovery. Her diabetes has given her fits and she won’t recover like she has in the past.

But your situation has also changed. You no longer have the ability to provide full time care for her. So now what?

The most comfortable option (the go-to) is typically home care.

There are wonderful companies who provide nurses, both skilled nurses and also companion nurses, who will come to the home to care for Mom. They can fix meals, take her to the doctor, or the doctor can come to her, they can shower her and help with household tasks. It is an amazing service and highly desirable to someone who doesn’t want to move. As long as there is enough money, this is a fabulous option. However, many people find that the cost is prohibitive over a long period of time, especially if the senior needs very high levels of care. Having a private nurse 24 hours a day is very expensive.

The second option is an assisted living.

If you compare the hourly cost of a nurse, 24 hours a day, to the cost of monthly rent plus care, you will find a significant difference. Something that previously seemed impossible, is now within reach.

In Assisted Living, seniors need care, but not everyone needs it at the exact same time. So, one caregiver can serve multiple residents, and they can all stay safe, and connected to each other.

So let's say in your situation...Assisted Living is the best option. And, better yet, you found the perfect place (with a little help from your friendly Senior Referral Agent). 

But mom adamantly says, “NO!”

This exact scenario often plays out in the lives of adult children as they care for their aging loved ones. Parents love their homes and they fully intend to stay there. All of their memories and their treasures and their entire lives surround them in their homes. And they have no intention of leaving all that.

Remember that this goodbye is really painful.

Precious Memories

In our twenties, we say goodbye to family and go off to college, or to adventures, travel, marriage, or whatever. We toss out our old clothes and belongings and don’t really give it a second thought. Everything is in front of us and we have so much to look forward to. It’s a bit different for those in their eighties. Everything is behind them. The kids don’t call like they used to, or the grandkids stopped coming by.

All that’s left, really, is the stuff they gave or the photos that were taken – the memories of sweet and meaningful times. And it is SO hard to step away from those reminders of love and family.

Familiar Terrain

Also, it is so valuable to anyone struggling with vision to just know their way around. Muscle memory guides the number of steps to the bathroom or the number of corners to turn to get to the kitchen. It is too hard to learn all those things in a new place: it is exhausting to remember where all their possessions are now located. Moving is really hard, especially now.

When Goodbye is Necessary

Even though she doesn't want to leave, you know you've picked the right place at the right price. You are actually excited about how everything will play out for Mom and she will be so happy and not feel alone and she will have something wonderful to do with her day and she will make friends and she will get to eat healthy and...and...and...SHE STILL WON’T GO!!!! 

You cannot get her out the door.

You try therapeutic lying: “Let’s go shopping Mom,” but she’s on to you.

NO.

You try tricking her: “I need to make a stop on the way home from your doctor’s appointment.”

NO

She is “all there” and is not mentally incompetent, so now what?

Here are three approaches I recommend.

1. Wait

Often what ends up happening (and the hardest to do), is to just wait. Wait until another catastrophic event happens. While she's in the hospital or skilled nursing facility, you make arrangements using your POWER OF ATTORNEY and move her belongings into the home while she is safely under the care of the facility. When they discharge her, you take her to her new home. If you let her go home after Rehabilitation, she will never leave.

Prepare yourself, because boy howdy will she ever be mad at you! It might take her a few weeks to settle down and come to speaking terms with you, but the hope is that over time, she will see your wisdom and trust your judgment that you did what was truly in her best interest, kinda like when she parented you.

2. Build Community

This strategy is a bit more lighthearted. Find one of her friends who lives in a community, and ask that friend to invite your mom to lunch. This way, your mom can see the value of having friends, sharing a meal, and just having some girl talk! Or, find a community with a fabulous activities director. Go yourself with a friend to attend some activities or events to see if this might resonate with Mom, and then get her to come with you and your friend. Make it a girl’s day out.

3. Enlist Backup

Finally, you may need to resort to getting a doctor, a nurse, or a social worker to help you talk to mom. Paint the picture of how this will play out. Take the fear away and give her hope that she will have better quality of life and not be alone.

Bottom line here is this:

When you were little, you trusted Mom to care for you.

Now, it’s her turn to trust you.

She has to trust that you are helping her.
She has to trust that you love her.
She has to trust that you are doing what she asked you to do a long time ago when she gave you that Power of Attorney.

She trusted you then, she needs to trust you now. Do everything you can to build that trust into something special.

And then, enjoy those moments with mom as her child and not as her caregiver.

Need to dish? If you're dealing with a complex situation or simply want a sounding board as you process the best course of action...I'm always here and our first hour is always free. Book a call.