Handling Strong Emotions with a Loved One in ICU

In one day, New Year’s Eve will be here with joy and celebration ringing in 2022. However, my celebration will be postponed for a bit as my mom is in ICU, intubated and being treated for Covid. 

In years past, I would have been out of my mind in a frenzy of fear and upset and worst possible projections for the future. This year, however, I am in a much different place.

Seeing my mom in the Intensive Care Unit is a terrifically difficult experience. There is nothing that I can physically do to help her. In the past, this would have disabled me to a point of terror and worry and fear. 

As this New Year approaches, instead of fear, I am focusing on gratitude. I am taking more time to reflect upon the life of a very beautiful person to me.

My mom has been a generous, selfless, charitable 5-foot-1 ball of fire for all of her 87 years. Her life has always been about serving and loving and helping others. She has served the homeless, the poor, the downtrodden, the brokenhearted. She has given to missions, to churches, to charities, and even to total strangers. Actually, I don’t think she has ever known what a stranger is.

For her 84th birthday, we bought her a new phone with all the capabilities of an I-Phone but the simplicity of a beginner’s model as we didn’t want to overwhelm her with tech.

She took to it like a fish takes to water. She learned how to text and search the internet, and that is when her life kicked into high gear. She met new people at the grocery store and asked them to join her texting network! She began to interact with old friends and brand new friends, sending them cheery greetings each morning and encouraging them through hard times, sending positive and helpful information to all her friends and relatives.

She has repeatedly thanked us for this gift of texting. She has lost most of her hearing and thereby, communication has been so frustrating for her. Upon discovering the joy of texting, her life took on a whole new meaning as she began to be able to finally express herself accurately. She has committed to daily blessing others with this gift and doing her best to make life better for those around her.

My mom is really special. She is happy and tough and strong. She is one of 17 children who grew up with very little. She learned an unbelievable work ethic from her farming family yet she has never fallen into self-pity from such humble beginnings. She has always embraced the future without complaining about her past. I am so proud of my mom and have learned so much from her.

As I wait for the amazing staff in ICU to care for her, naturally, I am concerned. But I am not filled with fear or dread or worry as I would have been a few years ago.

I have lately learned that fear doesn’t help me. Fear seems to want to control me, but it doesn’t afford me any strength or consolation. Fear is an overwhelming taskmaster that extracts all my hope and all my joy and all my ability to decide. Two years ago, I made the decision to turn my back on fear, and it is the best choice I have ever made. I stopped living every day being held hostage by it.

Amazingly, my health improved.

My mental outlook improved.

My countenance brightened and suddenly strangers commented on my happiness and joy wondering why I seemed so free.

I still feel pain. I feel loss. I feel sorrow, don’t get me wrong. I am not immune to all that, but I am finally free from the debilitation that terror brings. I learned that I can choose.

So, as my mom lay in the ICU bed, fully sedated and intubated, I watched from the shifting gravel in the cold December weather outside, looking through the hospital window, as she was being cared for. Sobbing and aching in intense pain, I hurt very deeply. But I began to breathe in and out very slowly, controlling my spiraling thoughts. I closed my eyes and repeated over and over to myself that I am strength, I am strong, I will be here for my mom, I shifted my focus to Hope and Peace and Love. 

It seems at times to be a game I play in my head. I literally wrestle thoughts and pin them to the mat. I cannot allow them to take me over. I cannot allow them free reign. I am able to choose what I will allow myself to think and that is the most empowering ability. Strength comes up from within and I am so grateful.

I look back over time and generations and realize that the contributions from just one mother can change the world. I realize that My mom is a world changer. Tears come to my eyes as I reflect upon all the good things she has contributed to her world, to those around her. She has consistently served and loved and helped her own family, her huge family of origin and their children, her neighbors, friends, loved ones. She has invested her life and her love and her energy into every human she has ever met.

Now it is her turn to be served and loved and helped. It is her turn to be cared for. It is her turn to receive.

So, we wait. We believe. We expect good things to come. Hope, not fear, is our ally.

As I reflect upon Happy New Year wishes, my heart is grateful and calm, and expectant. I am learning the art of controlling wild and renegade emotions, and I am so thankful for the choice to choose gratitude over fear.